Alone on Valentine's Day! Transcript

 [Thomas]: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. Tulips go in all sorts of colors, so do Roses. I really like flowers. Daffodils are also yellow.

*logo*

[Thomas]: What is up everybody?! It's that time of year again: Valentine's day. Do you have a date? I don't, and I don't know where I'm going to get one, approaching people is difficult.

[Anxiety]: That's an understatement.

[Thomas]: Oh! Anxiety... Perfect, that settles it; I'm not gonna approach anyone this year.

[Morality]: Now, don't say that! It's still possible.

[Anxiety]: Morality, don't lie to him.

[Thomas]: Yeah, meeting people is hard.

[Logic]: Doesn't have to be.

[Princey]: Logic is right.

[Thomas]: Wow, my fanciful side is agreeing with my logical side.

[Logic]: Thomas, in this instance, pragmatism and optimism aren't necessarily contradictory.

[Morality]: I know big words too! Saxophone...

[Thomas]: Okay, so you guys think there is a way to not spend my Valentine's day alone?

[Princey]: Oh yeah!

[Thomas]: How?

[Morality]: We just need to go about it the right way! Let's put our heads together and create a game plan. First, we'll need someone to practice on...

[Logic]: But who?

[Morality]: Each other?

[Thomas]: No, no! How about we... use... my friend! Valerie!

[Anxiety]: Valerie?

*ping*

[Thomas]: Valerie.

[Morality]: Hey!

[Princey]: Hey!

[Logic]: Salutations.

[Thomas]: So, explain to me how you would go about securing a date with Valerie for Valentine's day.

[Anxiety]: I've got an idea: Don't! Don't even try.

[Morality]: Now, Anxiety, if you don't wanna participate, you can just sit this one out.

[Anxiety]: That's... not exactly how I work...

*ping*

[Logic]: Now! I know we are all about to get into some big confusing discussion, but there is no need to over-complicate things. I have the solution! The trick to getting a date is to just be completely upfront and honest, alright? (to Valerie) Hello.

[Valerie]: Hello.

[Logic]: We are humans.

[Valerie]: Yes.

[Logic]: As humans, one possible objective is to procreate...

[Valerie]: Yes.

[Logic]: Therefore, would you like to copulate with me?

[Valerie]: Yes.

[Logic]: There, done.

[Morality]: Wow!

[Thomas]: ...That's not how people work!

[Princey]: You had no tact whatsoever.

[Logic]: Fine. Hello! Do you like food?

[Valerie]: Yes.

[Logic]: Do you like romantic outings?

[Valerie]: Yes.

[Logic]: I can provide both of those things. Therefore, you will be my date.

[Valerie]: Yes.

[Logic]: Happy?

[Thomas]: (doubtful) Seriously?

[Logic]: Yes! And then you continue to... talk-talk-talk until eventual marriage and/or copulation. That's the process.

[Anxiety]: Yeah, if your life is a Sims game.

[Logic]: That's ridiculous. This is what it would be like if your life is a Sims game:

[Logic & Valerie]: -talk in Simmish-

[Thomas]: Stop it. Stop!

[Anxiety]: If you went about tryin' get a date that way, it would look like this:

[Logic]: Hello, do you like food?

[Valerie]: Yeah...

[Logic]: Do you like romantic outings?

[Valerie]: I mean, sometimes...?

[Logic]: I can provide both of those things. Therefore, you would be my date.

[Valerie]: (stuttering) ...I'm… I'm uh... go.

[Anxiety]: Just saying.

[Thomas]: Yeah...

[Princey]: Your problem is you didn't woo her with any gusto. You know what people like?

[Morality]: Bagels!

[Princey]: ...No, what? Maybe. Um... Poetry!

[Logic]: Poetry?

*ping*

[Princey]: Allow me to recite Shakespeare's sonnet 138. "When my love swears to me that she is made of truth I do believe her, though I know she lies. That she might think me some untutor'd youth..."

(Morality: aww!)

[Logic]: Gonna stop you right there. That sonnet is about an older man and an unfaithful girl, lying to preserve their relationship.

[Princey]: Oh.

[Logic]: Yeah... So... um, might I recommend Shakespeare's sonnet 18? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

[Morality]: I mean, I wouldn't recommend reading someone else's words. You need to say what's in your heart!

[Anxiety]: -chuckles- Come on, if you do that, you could get all tongue tied... Jumbled... Confused.

*ping*

[Morality]: Well, then you write it all before hand in a letter. -laughs- "Dear Valerie, Happy 'Valerie-ntine's' day... wow, that didn't come off quite as well as I would've liked it to. Maybe not one of my best jokes. Um, well, er..." (continues reading)

[Princey]: He wrote this down?

[Morality]: "I don't quite know how to proceed here... but I would like to ask... Hmm, how do I put this? I would like to speak from the heart, but hearts don't have mouths... Well, that was a little weird to say..." (continues reading)

[Logic]: This was the whole problem he was trying to circumnavigate.

[Morality]: "...Hum. Wow, uh, is it hot in here? It's a little hot in here to me... I'm getting a little bit sweaty..."

[Thomas]: Okay! I think that was... That was a bit of a failed experiment.

[Morality]: Fine! No words. (starts to hug her)

[Anxiety]: No. No!

[Thomas]: What if that were a stranger?

[Logic]: You can't just touch people.

[Morality]: Okay! Then you create a gift to give them! A drawing! Here you go.

[Princey]: But that could be just taken as a gift from a friend.

[Valerie]: Wow! Thanks!

[Anxiety]: Or worse...

[Valerie]: Wow, this is horrible. I never realized how stupid and untalented you are.

[Morality]: -laughing- Well, I'm hopelessly crushed.

[Thomas]: Yeah, wow...

[Morality]: Look, the main point I wanted to get is that you should try to make them feel special! Don't talk about yourself so much and make sure they feel heard.

[Princey]: (upset) Not talk about me...

[Logic]: But then, why would they buy what you're selling if they don't know anything about you?

[Princey]: Agreed! There is a way to simultaneously make them feel special AND show them how awesome you are!

[Thomas]: How?

[Princey]: You find out what might be making their life difficult.

[Morality]: (almost crying) Yeah?

[Princey]: And you kill it.

[Anxiety]: What??

*ping*

[Princey]: You there! Young maiden, what is burdening your life? Perhaps an evil stepmother? Or a dragon witch?

[Logic]: A dragon witch?

[Valerie]: Yes! This dragon witch has been ruining my life!

[Dragon Witch]: F*ck you, Valerie.

[Princey]: I SHALL SAVE YOU!

[Thomas]: Is that a samurai sword?

[Princey]: -angry yell-

*sword sounds and groans*

[Dragon Witch]: Ahh, my spleen!

[Princey]: All saved!

[Valerie]: You made me feel special! And you are awesome!

[Princey]: What can I say? I'm a mean spleen stabbin machine.

[Logic]: (whispering) In no reality would this be a situation.

[Princey]: And afterwards you do a grand gesture!

[Morality]: That wasn't a grand gesture?

[Princey]: You wed them! Will you marry me?

[Valerie]: Yes! *gasps* (in Spanish) Ay, I have waited for you so long, Tomás... Do you really love me?

[Princey]: (Also Spanish) I assure you, I love you with all my heart.

[Valerie]: -sigh- Ay!

[Logic]: How do you know Spanish?!

[Thomas]: I don't even know Spanish,

[Princey]: Look, this is what you gotta do.

[Anxiety]: There is no way he could do any of that! Besides, weddings are nothing but outdated, expensive pageantry.

[Princey]: What?!

[Anxiety]: Plus, the diamond industry is incredibly unethical.

[Morality]: What?!

[Logic]: Sure! Have you heard of "blood diamonds"? They--

[Thomas]: Okay, stop. Don't... You are upsetting him.

[Logic]: Okay. Well...

[Princey]: So, we are at a loss for what to do...

[Logic]: There's gotta be something we haven't thought about!

[Morality]: I'm feeling all types of bad.

[Anxiety]: -growls- This whole thing is pointless!

[Thomas]: Yes! We already know your point of view.

[Anxiety]: Look, all I'm saying is this just a waste of time! Psyching yourself out over cheap tactics that have never been useful to you before, I mean, seriously, Thomas! In any past relationship you've ever been in, haven't they always developed when you least expected them to?

[Thomas]: Huh. You actually... have a point.

[Logic]: You were never actively searching for someone.

[Morality]: You met someone, got to know them casually, and then the feelings started there!

[Princey]: The romance came about naturally.

[Anxiety]: I wasn't trying to... help.

[Thomas]: No, this is great! It really helps to put things into perspective! I shouldn't be trying to force things to happen just for some... day. That's probably the best thing to keep in min-...

*ping*

[Morality & Valerie]: Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man…

[Thomas]: Morality, can you... leave Valerie alone for one second?

[Morality & Valerie]: Ugh.

[Thomas]: And if I happen to meet someone, I really don't have anything to lose. I'll be upfront and honest, I'll speak from the heart and make them feel heard, and when the time is right, I can work in some grand, realistic, romantic gestures.

[Princey]: Yeah, okay.

[Thomas]: Even if it doesn't work out! Isn't Valentine's day about much more than just romantic love?

[Morality]: Well, there is love for your family.

[Logic]: Love for your work.

[Anxiety]: Low-stake platonic love, where people don't expect as much from you.

[Princey]: And self-love!

[Thomas]: And if that's what we need to focus on for Valentine's day... Valerie! The Valerie who is my amazing friend, and not a hypothetical stranger Valerie. I would like to express my platonic, friend love for you with a nice hug. Yeah?

[Valerie]: Yeah!

[Morality]: Aw!

[Thomas]: And as for self-love; you guys, the different aspects of my personality, I suggest you all say "I love you" to each other.

[Morality]: I love you all so much!

[Logic]: I loooove... you?...

[Morality]: If I could give you all butterfly kisses, do you know what those are? With the eyelashes?

[Logic]: I... love you- and...

[Morality]: You make my life complete.

[Logic]: Your existence is inconsequential-I mean, unimportant... I mean... gooooood.

[Princey]: What can I say? You are all so handsome.

[Logic]: Well, that does make sense.

[Princey]: Just not as handsome as me.

[Logic]: That does not make sense.

[Princey]: Well, you two have glasses, you know? Like, nerds!

[Anxiety]: -smirks-

[Princey]: What are you laughing at, Hot Topic?

[Anxiety]: Aw, you think I'm hot.

[Morality]: Princey, tell us you love us. Now.

[Princey]: -sighs- I love you.

[Anxiety]: I don't know how you expect me to say it. You all took turns. You are all looking at me...

[Morality]: Come on!

[Anxiety]: Can it just be like, an understood thing?

[Morality]: -gasps- You're implying that you love us!

[Anxiety]: No...

[Princey]: Look! His face is so red behind that white foundation.

[Anxiety]: I hate everything about this.

*ducks out*

[Morality]: Well, this was adorable!

*ducks out*

[Thomas]: It was!

[Logic]: Call me when you have something a little less feelings-y.

*ducks out*

[Thomas]: Will do.

[Princey]: I gotta go bury that dragon witch body.

*ducks out*

[Thomas]: Okay, you do that. And for all of you, whether you are spending Valentine's day with a romantic partner, friends, or alone, take the day to celebrate love in all its wonderful forms. And until next time, take it easy guys, gals and non-binary pals! Peace out!

*end card*

[Princey]: Honestly, my way would've totally worked, you guys.

[Anxiety]: Totally would not have.

[Logic]: You think you can do better?

[Anxiety]: Better than that!

[Morality]: Well, then you get a chance!

*ping*

[Anxiety]: Fine. First, you take her by the hand. Then you...

[Princey]: Oh my

[Anxiety]: -groans-

[Princey]: GOD!

(background screams)

[Logic]: Nice one!

[Morality]: (playing pattycake with Valerie) What I do?