The Sanders Sides 12 Days of Christmas! Transcript

 [Thomas]: (To the tune of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year) ♪ It's the most, wonderful time, of the year. You'll have one hour of daylight, then you can say night-night, I'll be over here. ♪ *gestures to the couch* *On the couch under a blanket* ♪ It's the most, wonderful time, of the year! ♪ *snoring*

*Sanders Sides Intro*

[Roman]: Hey, Thomas.

[Patton]: Ye-hey, Thomas.

[Thomas]: Yeah?

[Roman]: Tom.

[Patton]: Thomothy.

[Thomas]: Yeah, what is it?

[Roman]: Tommy Salami.

[Patton]: Tomalomadingdong.

[Roman]: Thomas the Dank Engine!

[Thomas]: Can you guys speak normal?

[Roman]: Why don't you...

[Patton]: If you want...

[Roman]: Jog on up here...

[Patton]: Or walk...

[Roman]: And, uh, stand where you normally stand for a Sanders Sides video.

[Patton]: If you want to.

[Thomas]: Why?

[Roman]: BECAUSE I WANNA MAKE A SANDERS SIDES VIDEO!

[Patton]: YEAH!!

[Thomas]: Oh. Um... *walks up to his spot in front of the couch* ...sure. What is up, everybody?

[Patton]: Yay!

[Roman]: Good, because it has been, like, five-ever.

[Virgil]: Yeah, it has.

[Thomas]: Yeah, I'm already doing it, Virgil.

[Virgil]: Do you know how long everyone's been waiting for another one of these?

[Thomas]: I'M ALREADY DOING IT VIRGIL.

[Logan]: And you know what time of year it is.

[Thomas]: Cold....... time?

[Logan]: We live in Florida, try again.

[Thomas]: The time of year where we see that soup commercial, where the boy is a snowman for some reason?

[Logan]: Now you're alienating our viewers who live outside the U.S.

[Thomas]: Wuh, uh........ Peppermint latte?

[Logan]: Christmas, Thomas! It's Christmas.

[Thomas]: Oh, well- Now you're alienating our viewers who don't celebrate Christmas. There's no winning here!

[Roman]: Ah, it's just like that old saying. "There's no winning on Christmas."

[Logan]: N-No one says that.

[Thomas]: Yeah, that's not a saying.

[Roman]: Pretty sure I've heard it somewhere.

[Logan]: So, Thomas, given the season, don't you think that some people might expect a seasonal video of some kind?

[Roman]: Don't get ahead of us, Microsoft... Nerd.

[Logan]: Oh, okay, so now that you can't insult Virgil you've moved on to me.

[Virgil]: Ooh...

[Roman]: Eh, look...

[Logan]: It's okay, I can take it, but if you keep it up, you'll have a diss track coming your way. You malodorous scen-turion! *prideful uh*

[Patton]: Burn...?

[Roman]: I don't know if that was a diss...

[Logan]: Like a Roman centurion. Or like, but also, scent. As in like a smell...

[Virgil]: Logan, buddy, um... An insult doesn't really have that punch when you have to explain it afterwards.

[Roman]: Like I was saying before I was interrupted by the Microsoft Turd...

[Virgil]: Same joke.

[Roman]: It was a variation and I can think of a Microsoft Third. Oh look, I just did. Anyway, I've been working on this amazing, incredible, epic surprise! And Patton helped a tiny bit too, I guess.

[Patton]: Mm-hmm.

[Roman]: *transforms into his Christmas sweater* What? I mean, you can't do better than this snazzy sweater.

[Thomas]: Oh my good- *inhales* You know, I want to compliment you, but you were just mean to Logan.

[Roman]: Sorry, Logan.

[Thomas]: I LOVE IT!

[Patton]: Isn't it great?

[Thomas]: It is!

[Logan]: It looks like your regular outfit, except that this is... knitted.

[Roman]: I know, right? It's perfect.

[Patton]: *Transforms into his Christmas sweater* Hey fellas, how do you like me meow, question bark?

[Virgil]: Woof, double-dog dad joke.

[Patton]: 'Cause there's cats and dogs on my sweater!

[Thomas]: Oh, that is so you.

[Logan]: It sure is.

[Patton]: But wait, there's more!

[Roman]: That's right, Patton. We've got sweaters for Billy Days!

[Patton]: Logan, are you ready for yours?

[Logan]: Really? Okay, well as I'll ever be.

[Patton]: Oh, don't you sweat it.

[Logan]: *Transforms into his Christmas sweater.*

[Thomas]: Ooooh!

[Logan]: Huh. You know, this is actually quite tasteful.

[Roman]: Sweet cheese pastries, he likes it!

[Logan]: It's a little louder than my usual taste. However, the clear influence of the De Stijl movement is particularly inspired.

[Patton]: Well, that sweater is De Stijl (the style) nowadays.

[Logan]: As I was saying, De Stijl, not unlike myself with Roman or Patton, was the cleaner, more moderate answer to the excesses of art deco...

[Roman]: Moving on!

[Logan]: I think we did enough moving on in the last two videos.

[Thomas]: Well...

[Roman]: Virgil!

[Virgil]: Please no. I literally wear a hoodie all year long. I don't need to downgrade to a-

[Patton]: Sweater!

[Virgil]: *Transforms into his Christmas sweater* Okay...

[Thomas]: What's this? What's this? That sweater's pretty great!

[Virgil]: Ugh... You know, actually, this is, uh... pretty chill.

[Logan]: Really? *Patton joins in* I'd say mine is rather toasty.

[Patton]: *gasp* Dad joke?

[Logan]: Never!...intentionally.

[Patton]: Sure. *winks*

[Thomas]: Dang! Look at all you guys looking all festive for the holidays. All right, my turn, where's my sweater? Come on, sweater time. Sweater me up!

[Roman]: *awkward noise*

[Patton]: Oh boy.

[Roman]: Yeah, we can't conjure a sweater for you.

[Patton]: Well, this is awkward...

[Roman]: We're imaginary... you're not...

[Patton]: I feel bad now...

[Thomas]: No, it's fine! It's fine. Let's just move on...

[Virgil]: Are we good, like, we did the holiday stuff. Can I go back to my room now?

[Thomas]: I don't know. I mean, since we're all here, we might as well just keep this holiday party going.

[Virgil]: You have to stop whatever that is.

[Roman]: You read my mind, Thomas.

[Thomas]: You're in my mind, Roman.

[Roman]: True. I've composed the perfect Christmas carol for the four of us.

[Virgil]: Cool. I call Ghost of Christmas Future.

[Roman]: Y- No, not the brilliantly written classic novel by Charles Dickens, which discusses classism and the futility of love and the certainty of death. I'm talking about a literal song!

[Logan]: Oh, no, please.

[Virgil]: I so liked the original idea that I misinterpreted.

[Patton]: Oh, this is perfect. What better way to celebrate our first Christmas with Virgil than all of us singing a song together!? What's the song?

[Roman]: It's going to be our take on the 12 Days of Christmas!

[Virgil]: So not the original version, where some rando delivers a bunch of birds and humans to a poor unassuming person who would definitely not have the living space to accommodate all of them?

[Roman]: No! *tosses a red binder (the sheet music) to Virgil* Ours is gonna make a lot more sense. *tosses a red folder to Patton*

[Patton]: *drops the folder* Can I have another one? *Roman tosses another folder, and Patton drops this one too* D-do one more! *Patton actually catches it this time* (quietly) Thank you.

[Roman]: Or a lot less--who knows? *tosses a red binder to Logan* Thomas, you can conduct. *tosses to Thomas*

[Thomas]: Okay, so you can give me imaginary sheet music, but when it comes to a sweater, imagination's not good enough? Got it. Ohh! I'm not bitter.

[Roman]: All right, boys, let's get festive!

*The sides appear outside of Thomas' house on the front step, (from left to right, Roman, Patton, Logan, and Virgil.)*

(Soft piano music)

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Virgil]: Guys, I'd rather not participa--

[Roman]: Too late! We're doing it.

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Roman]: You gotta sing it.

[Virgil]: I'd really rather just duck out.

[Patton]: Quack!

[Roman]: Rocky start, but we can still save this thing!

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Roman]: YES!

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Roman]: No!

[Virgil]: My fight or flight reflexes are kicking in.

[Roman]: Bravo, Patton.

[Patton]: -giggles-

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Roman]: ♪ Four make-O-vers! ♪

[Virgil]: Weird emphasis.

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Roman]: Well, at least I'm singing!

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Roman]: Virgil!

[Virgil]: What?

[Roman]: Ugh! It's okay, Roman. We'll get through this.

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Five... name reveals! ♪

[Logan]: Five?

[Roman]: Yep. ♪ Four makeovers! ♪ Yea, Thomas introduced himself.

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Logan]: That's a stretch, but sure.

[Roman]: You missed your line.

[Virgil]: Is it too early to call it?

[Roman]: Yes, it is! Seven more days!

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Logan]: Six songs a sungin'?

[Roman]: Shut up!

[Patton]: ♪ Five... name reveals! ♪

[Logan]: Is this some sort of punishment for something?

[Roman]: ♪ Four makeovers! ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Virgil]: I just don't really get it. You know?

[Roman]: No! I don't know!

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Roman]: ♪ Seven slights at Virgil. ♪

[Virgil]: Of course.

[Logan]: Six songs a sungin'.

[Roman]: Come on, the kids love it, you incredible--!

[Patton]: ♪ Five... name reveals! ♪

[Roman]: Incredible Sulk! ♪ Four makeovers! ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Virgil]: Like... Why is this my line? I don't understand.

[Roman]: -sighs-

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Logan]: Eight bouts of banter.

[Roman]: ♪ Seven slights at Virgil. ♪

[Logan]: Six songs-a-sungin'.

[Patton]: ♪ Five... ruined kids' films! ♪

[Roman]: Patton! ♪ Four makeovers! ♪ Don't change the lyrics.

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪ I'm just so bored of singing the same thing!

[Logan]: Two two-part vids!

[Roman]: No rewrites!

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Nine Patton punchlines! ♪

[Logan]: Eight bouts of banter.

[Roman]: ♪ Seven slights at Virgil. ♪

[Logan]: Six crimes against the English language.

[Patton]: ♪ Five... ♪ (whispering) second... cookies.

[Roman]: You jerks! Changing the lyrics!

[Patton]: ♪ Three small cats! ♪

[Logan]: (rapping) Two two-part vids!

[Roman]: Are you trying to rap?

[Logan]: I do not like to sing.

[Virgil]: You guys just keep talkin'...

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Roman]: ♪ Ten tie adjustments. ♪

[Patton]: *Misses his line*

[Roman]: Patton!

[Patton]: Oh, sorry!

[Logan]: Patton, I'll trade you my sixth day, for your fifth day.

[Roman]: NoooOOoo!!!!

[Patton]: Haha! Sure.

[Logan]: Excellent. This shall be ideal.

[Roman]: For what?! ♪ Four makeovers! ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Virgil]: This lyric just doesn't make any sense.

[Patton]: Come on, Virgil! You can do it!

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Logan]: Eleven lit vocab cards.

[Roman]: ♪ Ten tie adjustments. ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Nine Patton punchlines! ♪

[Logan]: Eight bouts of banter.

[Roman]: ♪ Seven slights at Virgil. ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Six sungs-a-sungin'! ♪

[Logan]: Five... FALSEHOODS! phonated.

[Roman]: Wow... ♪ Makeovers! ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Roman]: Virgil... can your gift to me be singing the line one time?!

[Virgil]: Fine.

[Patton & Roman]: ♪ On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Twelve mushy moments! ♪

[Logan]: Eleven fire *dab* slang-words.

[Roman]: ♪ Ten tie adjustments. ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Nine Patton punchlines! ♪

[Logan]: Eight bouts of banter.

[Roman]: ♪ Seven slights at Virgil. ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Six sungs-a-sungin'! ♪

[Logan]: ♪ *Riffing* Five Crofter's jams... ♪

[Roman]: ♪ Four makeovers! ♪

[Patton]: ♪ Three small dogs! ♪

[Logan]: Two two-part vids.

[Virgil]: And a truckload of Bubba Gump shrimp.

*Everyone reappears in their normal spots in Thomas's house*

[Logan]: I'm sorry, uh...

[Thomas]: (accusatory) What?!

[Roman]: (defensive) What?

[Thomas]: That was Virgil's line? Why didn't I see that?

[Roman]: It's imaginary, Thomas. You can't see it.

[Thomas]: You're right. There are no lyrics or lines in this. What-

[Roman]: Come on, guys? It was pretty funny.

[Thomas]: No!

[Logan]: Yeah, I don't know much about humor, but that wasn't it.

[Virgil]: Right? It, like, doesn't reference any past videos we've ever done.

[Thomas]: It's more something I would laugh at to myself alone, randomly. Not for a video...

[Roman]: Look, I wrote it in a hurry. I've got a lot of stuff going on right now.

[Thomas]: Of course, Virgil didn't want to sing that.

[Roman]: Well, I don't know what to tell you guys except that there's no winning on *throws down music binder* Christmas!

[Patton]: Guys, we're being a little mean here, okay? Let's not stifle Roman's creative whimsy.

[Thomas]: Oh... uh... true. How about we go for more positive constructive criticism?

[Virgil]: Okay... it wasn't.... good?

[Roman]: I don't like you.

[Thomas]: That's not positive... or constructive.

[Logan]: Fine. Uh... Roman... I'm sure that you could think... of an even more... appropriate line, for Virgil.

[Roman]: *sighs* Well... maybe... *conjures a pen and writes something into the sheet music* this could work.

*all the other sheet music "updates" with the new lyric*

[Virgil]: *makes a noncommittal noise*

[Patton]: Oh! That's cute!

*the sides reappear on the front porch*

[Roman]: ♪ And an emo who's now our best... ♪

[All]: (harmonizing) ♪ Frieeeeeeend! ♪

[Patton]: ♪ OooOooo... ♪

*all sides return to Thomas' living room*

[Virgil]: Great, I'm feeling the spirit of Christmas welling up inside me. Or maybe that's vomit.

[Patton]: Awww, you love us. Shut up.

[Roman]: Well, that was a struggle but, uh, you know, we made our way through it. Heh.

[Logan]: *flipping through the music in the binder* I don't know who the true love was in that song. Was it Thomas? Who was giving us those things?

[Roman]: It's not important.

[Thomas]: Well, whatever it was, you guys did that darn thing and I loved it. I mean, you all made it happen in your own ways. Maybe… that's what Roman meant. There is no winning on Christmas because... there isn't supposed to be anyone putting themselves before others. It's the season for giving. And when we put others first... we discover what the true meaning of Christmas really is.

[Roman]: Yeah! That's totally... what I meant. Merry Christmas, everyone!

[Logan]: Don't forget to take advantage of sales during this time of year. You desperately need an iron. *sinks down*

[Patton]: Leave out sweets for Santa and then eat them all yourself because that's what Santa would want. *sinks down*

[Roman]: May visions of sugarplums dance in your head and hopefully not visions of your naked Aunt Patty. (quietly) Oh. *sinks down*

[Thomas]: Okay! Thanks, Roman, for that unpleasant side comment.

[Roman]: *rises back up part way* Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. *sinks down*

[Thomas]: Well, I hope this was an enjoyable first Christmas with us, Virgil.

[Virgil]: Hm. You know what won't be enjoyable? Those three ghosts that are gonna be visiting you later tonight.

[Thomas]: (upset) Nooo, why?

[Virgil]: What? It's my favorite Christmas story. Let me be an individual, Thomas. *sinks down*

[Thomas]: But you're not an individual! Okay. Well, whatever this was, I hope that you enjoyed our little Christmas celebration and I hope that you're enjoying this time of year as well. We didn't talk about much, but maybe one takeaway is that when expressing a concern to someone about something they've created, there's always a more positive approach than just tearing them down. Because that's never constructive. That's destructive. Anyway, it's been an amazing year. May there be many awesome things to look forward to in the year ahead. And until next time, take it easy, guys, gals and non-binary pals. Peace out!

*end card*

[Patton]: GUYS! It's time for the Secret Santa!

[Logan]: We're right here, okay? Virgil, I had you, so I thought an appropriate gift... would be this gift card, uh, for some audiobooks that you could listen to on those large headphones that you own, to calm yourself down in moments of excessive alarm.

[Virgil]: Oh, that's... that's all right I guess.

[Roman]: Okay! Logan, I had you.

[Logan]: No, that's not how Secret Santa works.

[Roman]: So I decided to write you a 400-page screenplay about you partnering up with Sherlock Holmes to solve his greatest mystery yet.

[Logan]: Roman... I mean... the cover is ridiculous, but I'm very intrigued.

[Roman]: Yeah. In it, Watson just freaking dies, and you take his place.

[Logan]: I always thought Sherlock was too good for him. He was always like, "Sherlock, I've got feelings". I mean who can relate.

[Patton]: Well, I had you, Roman.

[Roman]: Oh, goodie!

[Patton]: I made you some pasta!

[Roman]: Oh? Thank... you.

[Patton]: Do you know what the secret ingredient is?

[Roman]: No....?

[Patton]: Love.

[Roman]: Aww...

[Patton]: And cumin.

[Roman]: Oh.

[Patton]: And that means Virgil has me!

[Virgil]: Ugh. Mine is stupid. Everyone else's was so good.

[Patton]: Now, Virgil, you know whatever it is, I'm gonna love it.

[Roman]: *mouth full* A gift is a- *chokes on his love infused pasta* is a gift.

[Logan]: Redundant, but Roman's not wrong.

[Virgil]: I... I......made you this card. I'm sorry for not doing more.

[Patton]: Oh, oh, oh. You know I'm not good at catching things.

*The card reads: (front) You make me wanna die... (inside) with laughter. Best Friends. -Virgil*

[Patton]: *laughs* AH! OH! I LOVE IT!

[Virgil]: Yeah?

[Patton]: *making happy Patton noises* Oooooooh!

[Virgil]: Well... good.

[Roman]: The only thing that would make this moment better... is, like, if somebody had some garlic bread?

[Patton]: God bless us, everyone!

[Logan]: None of us sneezed.

[Patton]: Dad joke.

[Logan]: Aw, sh--